Nothing can be more disturbing than the realisation that the place and people you should be able to feel the safest with, are the most dangerous or toxic.
If you know or have heard of someone suffering from abuse (and your source is reliable) please make a report at your nearest police station. There is a penalty for false reporting but you should not be penalised if the police find that your concerns were well intentioned and not made with ill-intent or to cause harm. Please help those that cannot help themselves. It is our duty to protect our fellow inhabitants on earth (animals and humans alike). Report animal abuse to the SPCA or Animal Anti-Cruelty.
Abuse comes in many forms, these include physical, emotional, psychological, sexual or financial abuse, to name a few. No one form is worse than another and all vary in the depth and frequency with which they are experienced by the survivor (we use the term survivor in preference to victim).
Some say psychological abuse is the worst, as the scars cannot be seen, but no-one that has experienced physical abuse first hand can understand just how terrifying it is to be on the receiving end of physical abuse. These survivors have usually experienced at least one event where they have felt that, this time the beatings are so severe, that it may just be their last moments on earth. Physical abuse is often the cherry on the top of an endless stream of psychological, emotional or other forms of abuse.
Walking on eggshells is a term often associated with abuse. That feeling that if things are perfect in the home, office, school, then maybe, just maybe there will be peace. This causes situations where a whole dynamic system, such as a family, completely kowtows to one family member’s mood swings and violent outbursts. Disturbingly, the mood in the home can suddenly change from peaceful and happy to deathly and fearful when the abuser drives through the gate.
One of the scariest things about emotional and psychological abuse is that the survivor may not be fully aware that they are being abused. This is due to conditioning, grooming and gas-lighting from the abuser. Abuse usually does not happen over-night, it is a gradual process where adoring partners become abusers, gently grooming their victims into subjugation and submissiveness. The victim is confused that such a loving partner has become so oppressive and punitive and deduces that since their partner is so loving, caring, thoughtful, it must be they, themselves that are at fault. The abuser confirms this and so the cycle begins, whereby the victim takes on the responsibility for the abuser’s bad behaviour and moods.
The victim may start to consider that they are not wholly at fault for all the accusations thrown at them by the abuser and start to feel gas-lit. Gas-lighting is an experience where the victim is denied their sense of reality by the abuser. An example of this would be seeing a text message on the abusive partner’s cell phone confirming a sexual encounter with another man/woman and when confronted, the abuser denies the message saying the other man/woman is crazy and denying the victim’s sense of reality. This leaves the victim confused. Whilst all evidence leads to the reality of an infidelity, the victim is unable to accept this fully, not trusting their own version of reality as they have been groomed to accept the abuser’s version of reality. The abuser may become aggressive and forceful in their admonishment, that the victim takes on the reality presented to them, partly as they no longer trust their own reality and judgement and partly to avoid further conflict. Whilst this may be hard to imagine if you have never experienced psychological abuse, it is very real and very painful to constantly second guess your every thought, memory, action or sense of reality.
Listening to survivor’s version of events, validating emotions and holding space for traumatised and confused victims of abuse is key. Non-judgemental and empathic dialogue can be a catalyst for change by helping to empower victims, validate feelings and sense of reality, promote well-being and provide practical advice for victims looking to leave abusive relationships or get relationship support.
This psychologist has heard of reports that the SAPS in Durban have been effective in situations where they have been called in to deal with domestic violence calls, have handled the engagement with success and provided the injured party with medical assistance, informed them of their rights to safety, facilitated applications for protection orders and followed up with victims. This is a very useful document provided by the SAPS explaining victim’s rights, how they will assist and protect victims and contains some useful advice for people who may be planning on leaving an abusive relationship: https://www.saps.gov.za/resource_centre/women_children/domestic_violence.php
An article published on the United Nations website, dated May 2021, highlights South Africa’s failure to tackle domestic violence. This article notes South Africa’s abhorrently low levels of prosecution and conviction rates of abusers. It further establishes that of the “43, 824 requests for protection orders in 2018-2019, only 22,211 were granted, and in many of these cases, the protection order just instructed the abuser to sleep in another room in the same house”.
This article has some useful information regarding types of abuse and international resources: https://www.womenagainstabuse.org/education-resources/learn-about-abuse/types-of-domestic-violence/
This article shares resources regarding separation, divorce, disputes, parental rights, etc. https://www.divorcelaws.co.za/abuse.html
If you need help, please reach out. You are valued, you are believed, you are worthy of love and the basic human right to safety. Regardless of what the abuser tells you, they have no right to punish you in any way (mentally, physically, financially, emotionally, sexually, etc.).
Other resources:
Emergency Numbers:
112
10 111
